Through The Looking Glass

Charles Cooley suggested that we are not simply what we perceive ourselves to be. Instead, we are what we imagine others perceive us to be. His theory, known as “The Looking-Glass Self,” proposed that we create the value of ourselves based on paying attention to what others around us think of us. This would mean that we are piecing together who we are based on a continuous feedback loop as we interact with others.

The process has three steps based on my understanding of the theory. As we progress through the steps, we are building who we are or constructing the meaning of our existence.

1. We imagine what others are thinking of us in any given situation. How a person imagines themselves in the mind of another will vary greatly. Some people are very critical of what might be in another person's mind. Others might hit the other end of the spectrum and believe that others think only great things about them. Still others seem to fall off the continuum altogether, not realizing that others might be thinking of them at all.
2. We then create a judged image of self in our minds based on what we believe that image to be in the mind of others. This would be somewhat of an amplified reflection of self. You will notice, again, that some people are on one end of the evaluative scale while others see no evaluation from others. Sliding this scale will determine how negatively or positively judged you feel.
3. We feel and respond to the imagined judgment. At times, people can feel so judged that the only way they can recover a stronger self-concept is to focus on intentionally living into the perceived negative judgment of self. Others who strive to have a positive and judgment-free image of self may push themselves to protect and control that positive image.

A healthy image of how others perceive us begins with intentionally creating our self-concept and then aligning the behaviors of a person who would be perceived as such. The second step in being healthy relates to the recognition that you always have a choice as to accept or reject another person’s judgment of you. The third step is to set protective boundaries in order to keep those who are overly harsh or who will not learn to be positive in their interactions with you from damaging your ability to stay balanced.

Understanding how we form our beliefs about self gives us the power to choose what serves us and what does not. Choose to find people that build you up. Set boundaries to protect yourself from those who go out of their way to tear you down. And never forget that you can control what you imagine is in the minds of others.